Below is a step by step guide to avoiding trick or treaters this Hop Tu Naa.
For those of you who are low on funds to provide sweets, suffer from a nervous disposition after watching the Omen and now associate all children with Damion the devil child, or if you just hate Halloween, then you’re in luck!
- Pretend to be out. A well known classic. Turn all the lights off, close the curtains, turn off the TV, lie on the ground, allow the anxiety to fill your chest when you hear the pitter patter of sugar-induced feet coming down your driveway, take on the stillness of a tranquilized sloth, close your eyes, hold your breathe, pass out from lack of air, be found days later when neighbours come round to complain about the smell coming from your decomposing body.
- Put pumpkins outside your house instead of turnips. They’ll know you’re not really Manx and avoid you like the plague.
- Leave “treats” outside the front door. Use this as your opportunity to get rid of that out of date milk, spinach flavoured chocolate that your hippie friend got you for Christmas last year and a bunch of ice covered weight watchers meals that have been residing in the freezer since 2011 because you knew in your heart, with cake in the world, you were never going to watch your weight unless it was to look in the mirror and say ‘I’m getting fatter.’
- Enlighten them on today’s problems of childhood obesity and Type 2 Diabetes. Include a power point presentation with pictures of people missing limbs for added Halloween horror.
- Explain to them that ‘Trick or Treat’ is blackmail and sue them.
- Scar them for life. Besides answering the door naked, I doubt there’s much scarier for an eight year old than a middle aged man, dressed as Elsa from Frozen with an axe in her face, chasing them down the street with a sledgehammer screaming ‘LET IT GO’ in reference to the bags of sweets they’re clutching. Remember to pick up the sweets they drop. You earned them after burning up those extra calories in the chase.
- Make eye contact. Stare at them through the window, sustain eye contact as you gradually turn up the television volume until ‘Don’t Tell The Bride’ drowns out the singing.
- Tell them that Halloween is a sin and invite them in to discuss joining our Lord saviour.
- Judge them. Become the Simon Cowell of Hop Tu Naa singing; ‘The part about Ginnie the witch, I couldn’t hear a word of because you were mumbling. If you’re not old enough to know the lyrics then don’t sing the song in the first place and waste everyone’s time. It’s a no from me.’
- Put up a sign on your lawn saying; ‘a registered weirdo lives here’.
I, myself, love Hop Tu Naa and will not be deterred by any of the above methods. So get your toffee apples ready. Like Jack in The Shining, I’m coming for you.