There’s no getting around it: Christmas is almost here.
Yes, that mad time of year when anything goes. A festive purge, if you will. Nan’s on the sherry before breakfast; you’re scoffing your way through that second tub of celebrations and the same five songs are on a maddening loop. And yet, there’s one thing missing isn’t there? It’s ok. We understand.
Gef The Mongoose knows how you feel. No matter what other gifts you get, there’s always wanting more. Gifts that are shiny, majestic and well, expensive. Mmmmmmm those shiny Christmas gifts, come to me you beautiful delights.
We know what you’re thinking: How do I make my parents buy me that ‘WOW’ present? Like the Iphone 8 (caution you parents will need to take out another martgage for it), an Apple MacBook, or those god-damn expensive Beats by Dr.Dre ? As ever, Gef is on hand…
Be a Household Legend
Now, you’re not going to like this, but you must follow these instructions. To convince your parents to buy these ‘mum I must have it’ present, you must become it.
Wait, that makes no sense. No, you must become the Household Legend. This is going to involve quiet observation and intense commitment. But trust Gef; he’s a mongoose – the most dutiful of all nature’s creatures.
What’s the parental pattern? Watch what they are doing and copy their movements. Lurk in the shadows, wear camouflage if you must. Make notes and do Attenborough impressions as you witness these strange acts.
“Here, we see the Mother using what appears to be some form of mop like device. A green fluid of some sort makes its way to the bucket and, upon converging with the hot water, a soapy substance is formed”.
Be on guard
As soon as they walk through the door look busy. Have the hoover plugged in at all times, the sink consistently full of soapy water and always, always be wearing pink rubber gloves. Soon you will command their respect.
You can’t ever say outright your desire for what you want. Be subtle. Suggest to your stressed out folks that they listen to this compilation of whale noises at bed. “This will help you relax”, you’ll plead.
Little do they know you’ve been secretly recording yourself at 10 minute intervals whispering “Buy me it, Buy me it”. Subliminal messaging? You’ve impregnated their minds with your genius!
Offer before they ask
Now you know the routine, you can perform all the household chores before they ask you to. As soon as tea has been dispatched, head straight to the sink. Now, because of your preparation, the sink is of course, perpetually full (see Step 2) which is a time saver straight off.
Your parents don’t need to know that’s the same soapy water that’s been there for days. Yes, gravy will cling to plates when washed in cold, lifeless week old water, but the sheer fact you offered will more than make up for the shoddy quality of your work.
Listen and take interest
Ask your folks questions about their day. Pretend you’re interested. Nod when Dad tells you how much he hates Steve. Make a mental note and three days later, apropos of nothing, utter something like “That Steve hey, Dad? What’s he like?”
Your mutual loathing of Steve will bring you and Dad closer. And edge his thoughts ever closer towards buying you the shiny shiny…
The Gift of Time
Reduce the washing load for them by only wearing one t-shirt. Or throwing away 90% of your clothing. Purchase hundreds of identical knives and forks to save on washing up. Mum and Dad will be perplexed but you’ve given them the gift of time. They won’t look any further into these things if they get to watch Game of Thrones tonight.
If all else fails, purchase a cleaner
If this is too much then there is one final roll of the die: Take it upon yourself to find a cleaner, hire them and then take credit for all their graft! Once again, ensure you are wearing those pink rubber gloves when the folks get home.
There we have it. Follow these simple steps and you, my friend, will not only be a Household Legend but the iPhone, new laptop and jazzy headphones that you want will find its way to you come Christmas morn. Then you can go back to being a lazy slacker. Tis the season to be jolly!