THIS YEAR STICK TO YOUR ROOTS. EMBRACE OUR MANX MYTHICAL MADNESS.
First up, this little rock of ours has the most badass back story yet. And every superhero franchise needs a killer origin story, right? Legend tells it during the infamous ‘Battle of the Giants’ (you had me at Giants) in Ireland, Finn Mac Cooil (seriously) was dueling with a colossal flame-haired Scotsman. After a few days of violent, presumably Michael Bay directed giant sh!t-kicking, Finn threw pretty much all of Ireland’s soil (no wonder they had a potato famine – holy fcuk, history is useful) at the Giant’s massive ginger head. Somehow, he missed. That mound of earth became…
THE MAN ISLE! Annnnnnnnnnnnd history. I don’t think we need to look anymore into the factual nature of that. Giants. Soil. Done.
The little people? What’s their deal? North Korea is about to launch nuclear weaponry onto our actual faces and we’re bringing ethereal tiny b**tards for the war? Come on. Yet, perhaps we shouldn’t be so dismissive of these mercurial midgets.
Don’t lie; you greet them each and every time you head past the Fairy Bridge. And, quite right too. These little psychopaths may appear whimsical but, in reality, such is their rabid tempestuousness, they curse and condemn you to death lest you not greet them with a simple “Hello, fairies”. Just look at what they did to the Fairy Bridge tree!!
One yuppie comeover co*kwomble disobeys the rules and now we all pay the price. THESE POCKET-SIZED PRI**S WILL CUT YOU! They’re the Mafia of the Man Isle, leaving us only one forgotten bribe away from Shergar’s equine noggin landing in the bed. Chuck them some coins to keep them content or they might F***NG KILL YOU. Seems reasonable. Exactly the kind of unpredictable hotheads we need on our side.
Mildred – Queen of the Mermaid City
Oh Mildred you saucy minx. A rebel of the seas, prone to luring the Manx sailors with her salty as f**k attitude and super-hot fishtail, Mildred was cooler than you’ll ever be. You absolute loser. Oh yes: Mildred was a chain-smoking, whisky-guzzling, wise-crackin’ cold hard b!tch. And the most do-able fish out there!
The Manx Mermaids were nice enough and the Mermen were fine – if you discount the sad emasculated demeanour -yet, her Pohllinagh (Manx word for Merpeople. Pronounced PGGGGGGGGGLAGGHHHGGGGHHGGJJG) chums had about as much edge as James Blunt.
Mildred, bored of conversing with Jamaican crabs named Sebastien, got sh!t-faced on Apple Sourz, partied into the night with Manannan and feasted on the flesh of the Sailor Boys of Ramsey Bay. Yeah, apparently she had a weird cannibalism thing going on. Who are we to judge, right? SHE’S A BRASSIER WEARING FISH WITH ARMS!!
Barrell Roll Witch / Jinny the Witch:
They see her rollin’, they hatin’. Jinny the Witch? More like Jinny the B!tch, am I right?! Tough crowd. You’ll remember, we told you all about Jinny and her rat lathering ways. Now, Jinny got off quite lightly. A few days of hard labour and a smash hit timeless pop song? Jinny the Rich, more like! Ok, that’s enough.
Beware the vengeance of those witches condemned to a creatively grotesque death at Slieau Whallian Mountain. Reportedly the inspiration for sh!t-rap sensations Limp Bizkit’s seminal wank anthem ‘Rollin’, suspected witches were rolled down the mountain in SPIKED barrels.
If the lucky gals survived, their momentary relief soon gave way to despair: They were adjudged to be necromancing hags and condemned to death. Presumably not by yet more barrel rollin’. THE WITCHES WILL HAUNT US ALL! And, I for one, welcome their inclusion into the Avengers fold.
No, not the bloody boat. The God. This dude was a proper bada$$. He’s the Lord of the F***ING SEA!!! You don’t mess around with the lord of the sea. Or any lords come to think of it. Ever wonder why people don’t give Michael Flatley any sh!t even though he dances like a tw*t? BECAUSE HE’S LORD OF THE DANCE, people.
We all know about Manannan’s ability to cover the Island in a thick, ghostly fog to conceal his beloved home from invaders – “Manannan’s cloak” – but there’s far more to this dude than ruining Manx summers. He had a steed called Finbar who could travel over land AND sea. That’s an utter horse! His sword was called ‘The Answerer’ – which, whilst grammatically pretty ropey, could cut through any armour so probably best not be too pedantic about his literacy levels.
Not content with being an all round cool mofo and having his own Island named after him, Manannan was also, somewhat bizarrely, a renowned foster parent, fostering many children over the years. Also, if you’re ever bored, his name works especially well with the Muppets Mahna Mahna song. Doo doo doo doo…etc.
The Bee Gees & Manx Cats
Every army needs some pre-slaughter tunes to get them pumped up, right? Look no further than our very own Kings of Hairy Disco – The Bee Gees. If solid gold sh*g-tasticzingers like “You should be dancing” and “Night Fever” don’t get you in the mood for bloodshed, what will?
On a side note, interestingly, it’s a misconception about Manx Cats inability to grow tails due to a genetic mutation. In actuality, it was the three Gibb brothers who would personally lacerate each tail clean off – sometimes with their bare teeth – in a maniacal bid to become the world’s hairiest band. 90% of that facial fuzz is cattail. True story. So, they not only bring good time funk but also, unhinged cat mutilation. All anyone could ever ask for.
We’ll bring him along just to get the troops jeered up with febrile chants of “Orry Orry Orrry” to get them in the mood. Ya know, for killing.