New Year’s Eve is fast approaching, and we are due to be birthed into 2018 in an explosion of overpriced tickets to clubs.
A line for the Outback extending from Douglas to Liverpool, mistimed midnight countdowns that make it sound like an army of Dustin Hoffman’s from Rain Man shouting random numbers in a large cave and that song that everyone sounds like they’re having a mild stroke during because they’re smashed and don’t know either the words or what on Earth is going on with the whole crossed arms thing. All topped off with a bristly kiss from Nana Barbara who insists that if it isn’t on the lips it doesn’t count.
And with the new year, comes the new you. We all know that resolutions are fickle things, unless you’re one of those people who stick to everything they commit to but so was Charles Manson. And everyone hated him so who’s the real winner? But why are resolutions so difficult? Allow me to discuss the usual suspects with you.
Top of the leader board is *ding ding- ‘Oo I’ll have another mince pie’-ding* you guessed it, lose weight and get fit. After eating ourselves into a form that makes Fat B#stard in Austin Powers look like a GP’s plastic skeleton, January 1st comes with the vow to drop three stone and be in the best shape of your life. This resolution often starts off strangely enthusiastically, a subtle excitement brews in your stomach at the thought of looking like Megan Fox in Transformers. Once you’ve realised that those excited butterflies are the turkey sandwiches repeating on you, you are left with a sense of foreboding that remains even after you’ve been to the toilet.
- January: Spend £5000 joining a gym. Realise that January is the most miserable month of the year and you need to hibernate with sugar and trans fats to get through it.
- February: Valentines! You either spend the month feeding or being fed by your significant other on sickeningly romantic dates where you shove chocolate covered strawberries into one another’s faces. Or you submerge your ‘I’m going to die alone’ feelings by eating them.
- March / April: Easter is in there somewhere. Stock up on Easter Eggs to be safe you don’t miss it whenever it is.
- May: Birthday month. Cake.
- June / July: Resign to wearing a t shirt in the pool on holiday.
- August: Go to the gym, realise your £5000 membership for six months has run out. Get bus home.
- September: See an extended advert on TV for the Fab Ab Machine that made Suzanne from Blackpool lose seven stone in two weeks. On sale now for only £5. (Plus, Tax and delivery costs of £800). Buy ab machine. Go to use it as soon as it arrives. Realise it doesn’t come with batteries. Put it on a shelf to be excavated by archaeologists 200 years later.
- October: Halloween. The only nutrients you get this month is from apples. Toffee apples.
- November: Try a crash course diet that involves you cutting out carbs, sugar, alcohol, dairy, protein, fats and anything else that isn’t non-flavoured water. After three hours, consider ways to hospitalise yourself so you will get tube fed.
- December: For Christmas, Channel 4 give you your own documentary ‘My 900-pound life.’
With the stress of the Battle of the Bulge, you turn your resolution to your mental fitness instead, deciding that this is the year you will take up Mindfulness. Simpler, cheaper and something you can do from home you think to yourself gleefully as you try to download the Mindfulness app on your phone. It doesn’t work.
Once you’ve washed the Nutella off your fingers you try again; success! You’re into the app store. Your phone tells you that you must upgrade your software in order to purchase the app. You try to upgrade your software.
Your phone tells you that you cannot upgrade the software because you don’t have enough storage space on your phone. You delete all the pictures from your wedding day, the birth of your children, the last afternoon you ever had with your grandfather before he passed away and the videos of Benedict Cumberbatch you took through his bedroom window. Your phone says that you cannot upgrade your software because your phone is an old model.
You take your phone outside, place it on the ground and run over it with your car seventeen times until you puncture a wheel on the smashed screen. Realise you don’t need the app after being sectioned for losing your mind trying to download mindfulness.
It’s fine, you don’t want a phone anyway, you spend too much time staring at a screen these days. You resolve to read more instead. You read the titles of loads of Netflix series. But it’s okay because you’re not going to waste your time watching trash this year, you’re going to watch inspirational stuff. After one episode of White Helmets you resolve to be a better person. You’re going to do some volunteering.
After one afternoon helping out at an old people’s home you realise it’s easier to accept that you’re an awful human being and you would rather ingest a three-piece sofa (possible, now you’re 900 pounds) than spend another afternoon playing bridge with 90-year-old flatulent Florence.
I intend to tackle the problem of resolutions by setting more realistic ones like;
- I will use Flora light instead of full fat butter. On weekdays.
- I will continue to not smoke.
- I won’t kill anyone. Intentionally.
Those are my new year’s resolutions for 2018 but if you want them you can copy me and feel as guilt free as I do all year round. Merry Christmas.